Grief-stricken, insane, addicted, and near-death – I made a crucial decision to change my life for the better. I simply could not stay where I had chosen to stay for ten long years anymore.
My fiancé died after a three-year battle with cancer. I helplessly watched as my high school sweetheart endured chemotherapy, radiation, steroids, pain pills, sleeping pills, drug trials, and surgeries to remove cancerous tissue. I used alcohol and sleeping pills to cope with the pain of watching my first love and someone whom I admired so much, quickly deteriorate, until his mind was left with the capacity of about a four-year-old.
His body swelled from the steroids he was given to keep the brain tumor from growing. Doctors left him with a gaping hole in the back of his head where they tried to surgically remove the tumor a few times, unsuccessfully. And his left shoulder hung where they had removed his muscle that the cancer had spread to.
His pain finally ended on New Year’s Day as he took his last breath in a hospice bed at his parent’s home. The last few weeks of his life were spent on a morphine drip, laying in bed, diapered and turned every two hours by family and friends, unable to communicate.
The day he died was the day I gave up. The day my dabbling with substances so that I didn’t have to feel the pain, turned into full-blown addiction. I refused to talk to or open up to anyone about my pain, especially the grief counselor at the hospital. I shoved it far down and then poured pills and alcohol on top of it, to keep it hidden forever.
I moved into my parent’s basement (the only people who would take me in), blocked the windows with dark blankets, and kept the doors shut at all times. I barely wanted to see anyone, except those I could buy drugs from or do drugs with. I was too afraid to commit suicide and didn’t want to do that to my parents, so I hoped that all the poisonous substances would kill me within five years. I set out on a mission to slowly poison myself, and at the end of the five-year death clock, my original intention was working quite well.
I had come to my crossroads, the point in your life where nothing is working out for you, and if you don’t change, things are going to get much much worse. I had stopped breathing a couple of times in my sleep, and had to be revived by a very sweet man I met shortly after the death of my fiancé. It was then that I met a beautiful being of light. He was so bright that I fell to my knees in his presence. His beauty and love were overwhelmingly felt. He said he was actually proud of me for having the strength to take the rocky road and gave me hope that things could be better, and enough courage to change.
I finally prayed for help after taking the advice from an old friend to ask Source, God, the Universe, or whatever I believed in, for assistance. And once I asked for help, it came in abundance. Suddenly, assistance was everywhere in the form of dreams, things heard in meditation, visions, and signs. With the assistance of Spiritual Intelligence, I was slowly able to navigate the insanity of my severely damaged brain and body, and piece myself back together.
It took willpower, strength, courage, faith, and step-by-step encouragement to get sober, stay sober, and heal my mind and body. When I was sober, and with my Divine assistance, I finally had the courage to look at my past pain. I let myself look at it, process it, finally feel it, and then let it go.
Today, I am sober and happy! I’ve moved out of my parent’s basement and am happily married to a wonderful, supportive man. We have two beautiful children, and I can’t wait to see what’s around the next corner. I’ve written a book with my story, how I spiritually awakened, and how I focus my thoughts, feelings, and actions to intentionally create the life of my dreams. I continue to pray and meditate daily for Divine guidance. Receiving Divine answers for help with foods, meditation tips, how to manifest your ideal life, etc., has been an amazing gift in my life! Now, I’m writing this blog to share this beautiful knowledge with those who need it.
I am living proof that it doesn’t matter how far you fall, you can always make a comeback. You can be born a muggle (with no psychic gifts), and learn to develop and awaken them to receive incredible help from Spiritual Intelligence! It doesn’t matter who you are or how you think you’ve sinned or messed up in life, Heaven is forgiving, kind, supportive, and unconditionally loving! They will help all who ask, and do not discriminate! Blessings, cheers, namaste, and much love and light to all who find these words!